Faith.

I have been going through a crisis of faith.

There. I said it.

I am in a period of my life where it is increasingly difficult to live by faith, and not by sight. This is because, I am realizing, that I have very little faith.

To me, there are a lot of things that I wish would just go a certain way. Maybe because I think it'd be better. Maybe because it'd be easier for me. Maybe because I think that that way is a perfectly good solution, and I just don't understand why God doesn't see it that way as well. To put it shortly, I don't get why things have to be God's way, and not mine. Isn't my way good enough? Is God's way really that much better?

These are all the thoughts that have been running through my mind and my heart. And, these things will manifest themselves in all sorts of crazy ways. Last week, I got into an argument with one of my closest brothers and said a few really hurtful things, all because I thought I knew better. But sometimes, it's more subtle. It'll be with how guarded I try to be with my heart in opening up to the person I know that I should. It'll come when I'm trying to pray, and simply can't praying according to His will, instead of my own.

What does faith even mean?

Hebrews 11 tells us, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 2For by it the people of old received their commendation."

Ummm...okay. ESV's version sort of sucks. Let's try that again.

"1-2 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd."

I am told two things: Faith gives us the hope that makes life even worth living, and this faith is what pleases God.

The Message's translation of verse 4 is also pretty handy.

4 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.

Faith is apparently what makes all the difference. Faith in what is to come, even if we never receive it. And it's this faith that enables us to please God; faith that He "exists and that he rewards those who seek Him."

But, still, I'm left with the question of how I actually receive faith. And I think I finally received the first step today when I opened up my Bible to do my quiet times.

Psalm 78 is all about remembering God. When the Ephraimites forgot what God had done for their ancestors, they fell into disobedience (i.e. they did not please God.) The psalmist tells us that they established the testimony of God to the next generation, not for the sake of indoctrinating them, but so that the children:

7 should set their hope in God
and not forget the works of God,
but keep his commandments;
8and that they should not be like their fathers,
a stubborn and rebellious generation,
a generation whose heart was not steadfast,
whose spirit was not faithful to God.

I think the first step is remembering. Remembering what God has done. Remembering how far He brought us. Remembering that, without Him, we'd be dead in our transgressions.

I don't know what the next step is for receiving faith. I really wish I did. But, I am grateful God has given me this first step.

Help me remember.